CHAPTER FOUR: INTERROGATION
Harry is driving the stolen car en route to the Carapace Kingdom, although Mr. Vantas hasn’t yet told you all how you’re going to get across the border. It’s silent. Vriska is slumped, sleeping, against Karkat’s (right, that’s what he told you to call him) shoulder in the backseat. Next to them, Vrissy is staring out the window blankly, and Harry similarly looks mostly unfocused on the road ahead. You turned off the radio after the first reports of the violence at the school came in. Karkat fiddles idly with a knife, turning it through his fingers in a practiced way that unsettles you.
You aren’t sure what to make of the past couple hours. Gamzee is dead and yet again in the trunk, which is fantastic, and it looks like he’s going to stay that way. You aren’t used to watching violence happen. Mom kept you far away from any of that, and yet it all happened so fast. The memory of the man’s grip around your chest, and the press of his pistol against your temple scares you less than how terrified Vrissy and Harry looked. You look down at your hands. Soft, not used to hard work, much less war. You don’t think you’ll ever forget the sound of a neck snapping only about a foot away from your own. You took a glance, later, at the guy who had held you hostage, whose heart rate you had felt jump as Vriska and Vrissy each pointed guns at him. He looked maybe five years older than you were. A kid, in the long run of things. And while it was likely Mom would bring him back from the dead, you knew from the whispers around her office that dying took a heavy psychological toll.
You don’t know how to feel about the fact that Karkat saved your life by ruining another.
(he had given Vrissy the gun, told her to shoot to kill if anyone got close)
(she didn’t, because you got grabbed)
(could you have, if karkat had trusted you instead with the heavy pistol?)
Karkat clears his throat, breaking you out of the spiral of thoughts.
KARKAT: TAVROS.
TAVROS: yes,?
KARKAT: I SHOULD APOLOGIZE.
TAVROS: no, no, you don’t, i understand that,
TAVROS: the guy slipped past you, i’m grateful,
TAVROS: for being saved, trust me
KARKAT: NO, NOT FOR THAT, ALTHOUGH I’M NOT PARTICULARLY HAPPY WITH MYSELF ON THAT FRONT EITHER.
KARKAT: I WANT TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT GAMZEE.
Harry’s eyes flit from the road into the rearview mirror, slightly concerned. Vrissy turns slightly, trying not to look like she’s listening on what ideally should be a very private conversation. Vriska shifts in her sleep.
You gulp a little but try to brace yourself.
TAVROS: you, don’t have to apologize, it’s no one’s fault but his own,
TAVROS: and now he’s dead, which is a good thing,
KARKAT: BUT IT IS MY FAULT, IN A CERTAIN WAY.
KARKAT: I SHOULD HAVE KILLED HIM MORE THAN TWENTY YEARS AGO.
VRISSY: You can’t blame yourself for the Abuse of the Clown.
KARKAT: OH, BUT I CAN.
KARKAT: ON ALTERNIA, THE QUADRANTS WERE MOSTLY THERE TO KEEP SOCIETY FUNCTIONING.
KARKAT: IT WAS MOSTLY THE MOIRAILS JOB TO KEEP HIGHBLOODS IN CHECK, BUT IT WAS ALL OF THEIR QUADRANTS.
KARKAT: IF A QUADRANTMATE WAS THREATENING SOMEONE ELSE YOU CARED ABOUT, IT WAS YOUR JOB TO STOP THEM.
KARKAT: PERMANENTLY, IF THEY COULDN’T BE SHOOSHED OR PAPPED INTO SUBMISSION.
KARKAT: NORMALLY, THAT FELL UNDER THE ROLE OF AN AUSPITICE OR A KISMESIS, BECAUSE THEY WERE A LITTLE MORE DISTANT THAN A MOIRAIL OR MATESPRIT.
KARKAT: GAMZEE DIDN’T HAVE ANY QUADRANTS EXCEPT FOR ME, AS HIS EX-MOIRAIL, WHEN WE WON THE GAME.
KARKAT: I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HE WAS TOO DANGEROUS TO LET LIVE.
KARKAT: IT WAS MY JOB TO PUT HIM DOWN, AND I FAILED, AND YOU GOT HURT BECAUSE OF IT.
KARKAT: I’M SORRY.
TAVROS: you don’t, need to blame yourself
TAVROS: it’s no one’s fault that he was abusive,
KARKAT: YOU WERE FAILED BY YOUR FAMILY, TAVROS.
KARKAT: I’M A PART OF THAT EXTENDED FAMILY.
KARKAT: IT’S OKAY TO BE UPSET.
KARKAT: BLAME ME, IF YOU WANT.
KARKAT: IT MIGHT BE EASIER THAN BLAMING YOURSELF.
There are tears leaking from your eyes now, and you aren’t quite sure why. You don’t think anyone’s ever said those words to you before? Any of them, really.
Vrissy and Harry are silent. Vriska snores softly, which should kill the mood, but it doesn’t, for some reason. It kind of grounds you in the moment.
You feel raw.
TAVROS: are you,
TAVROS: going to kill my mom?
Karkat sighs. You turn to face him, and he stares you dead in the eyes, speaking slowly, with intent, but resigned. It’s the face of an old soldier with more regrets than hairs on his head.
KARKAT: IF IT COMES TO THAT, GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY, I’D PULL THE TRIGGER.
TAVROS: is it like with gamzee?
KARKAT: I SUPPOSE SO, YEAH.
KARKAT: IN A WAY IT KIND OF IS.
KARKAT: YOU CAN HATE ME FOR IT, IF YOU WANT, IF IT MAKES IT EASIER.
KARKAT: YOU’RE A KID. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO CARRY THAT BURDEN.
KARKAT: WHEN I WAS THIRTEEN, MY WORLD CAME CRUMBLING DOWN, AND I WAS TASKED WITH BRINGING LIFE TO AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE IN ORDER TO SURVIVE.
KARKAT: I FUCKED IT UP, BECAUSE I WAS A KID.
KARKAT: AND I’M STILL PAYING FOR THOSE MISTAKES.
KARKAT: I CAN’T UNDO THE PAST, TAVROS, BUT I CAN OFFER YOU A BETTER FUTURE.
KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT I’M FIGHTING FOR.
KARKAT: THAT’S THE ONLY THING WORTH FIGHTING FOR.
TAVROS: thank you, i guess,
KARKAT: IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GO HOME, I CAN OFFER YOU A WARM BED AT MOTHER BASE.
KARKAT: YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO FIGHT, IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO.
KARKAT: THINK ABOUT IT.
TAVROS: i will.
You do.