War Makes Beasts of us All
by bakedpotatocat


==> Harry Anderson: Be in deep shit.

HARRY: Oh shit.

This was fucking bad. Two Vriskas, only one of them your oft-flipped matesprit (called Vrissy now, sure, why the hell not) and Tavros hiding somewhere in the school with a dead clown (no, check that, the dead clown, the primo juggalorator himself, Gamzee fucking Makara-Crocker) and its being posted all over social media.

Welp, your friends are dead. Tavros is going to wish he is, anyway, and Vriska Maryam-Lalonde might get away with never seeing moonlight again. Man, maybe it is time to get political. Dad and Uncle Jake are probably going to be useless (and the fact that Vriska fucking Serket is back will probably blow their tiny fucking minds) and Mom’s too attached to Janey to actually do anything about it.

Fuck it. You take out the glasses case Aunt Rose (its easier and less fucked up than saying grandmacousin) gave you, take out your glasses (contacts are soooooooo much better) and smash it on the ground in front of you. A tiny piece of paper slips out of the remains. You pinch your nose and dial the encoded line to Aunt Kanaya’s cell.


KANAYA: The Caller ID Is Coming Up Blank So I Assume This Is Either A Burner Or A New Contact

KANAYA: Please State Your Name And The Nature Of The Call Before I Determine You As An Enemy And Blow Up Your Phone Remotely

KANAYA: Its Nothing Personal

KANAYA: But I Will

Gunshots can be heard in the background of the other end, and you hear the whirr of Aunt Kanaya’s chainsaw slowly coming to a stop. She sounds irritated, which from what you’ve heard from Mom and Dad, means she’s pissed.

HARRY: hi aunt Kanaya!

HARRY: its Harry Anderson

HARRY: this is a bit of an emergency, i think

HARRY: and I didn’t know who to call

KANAYA: I’m Glad To Hear From You, Harry, Its Been A While

KANAYA: I’ll Keep This Brief Because It’s A Bit Of A Bad Time Right Now

KANAYA: One Second Please

A man screams as the chainsaw whirrs up to full. You decide not to ask.

KANAYA: Do You Need Someone To Come Pick You Up?

HARRY: Yeah, i think i do

KANAYA: Is There Anyone Else That Needs To Be Extracted With You?

She’s all business, that one. At least right now, Vrissy says she can get pretty snarky when they’re just hanging out at home.

HARRY: yeah uh

HARRY: tavros, me, vrissy…

KANAYA: I’m assuming Vriska has acquired yet another nickname?

HARRY: yeah about that

HARRY: also vriska serket is apparently back in town

HARRY: i saw pictures and everything, looks just like the scrapbook photos Aunt Rose showed me once



KANAYA: Well We Can Discuss That Later

KANAYA: Hopefully Whatever Trouble You Are In Will Blow Over

KANAYA: Otherwise We Might Need To See About Witness Protection

??????: geT ouT of my fucking caverns, you handfooTbeasT-ass moTherfucker!!!!

KANAYA: Where Are You Currently

HARRY: School.

KANAYA: I Would Come But The Jades And I Are A Little Engaged Right Now And Rose Is Still Leading On Another Front I Believe

??????: _eat_lead_you_pieces_of_shit_

KANAYA: But I Don’t Trust Many People To Extract You From The Human Kingdom Successfully

KANAYA: Karkat Will Be Right Over

HARRY: uncle kar-

KANAYA: See You Soon Stay Safe Have Fun Goodbye

The line clicks off. You sit for a moment in shock – you haven’t seen Uncle Karkat in like ten years, he’s been in hiding since at least uncle Dave’s wedding – and then get your ass in gear to go round up the rest of your idiot friends plus one.

The fire alarm is going off, for some reason, but you manage to sneak your way back inside. Your mom - back when she was cool and not incredibly weird all the time - taught you some nice tricks about breaking into government institutions; something about disaster preparation and the end of the world. Your family’s lives are fucked up. The window opens real easy, although you aren’t as adept at climbing to the second story as you were when you were 10 or so. You text Vrissy.

HARRY: where tf are yall

VRISSY: first floor west wing janitorial closet please hurry im freakin out

VRISSY: tavros has gone mute and is just shaking quietly and Vriska is CACKLING for some reason

VRISSY: heyyyyyyyy eg8ert junior was 8oppin

VRISSY: fuck shes trying to steal my phone

VRISSY: shes acting REALLY weird i think she might have actually hit her head really badly when she fell out of the sky

VRISSY: and its just starting to affect her

HARRY: im coming!

HARRY: also she fell out of the sky?

VRISSY: i can see the gears in your dum8ass head turning



HARRY: was not!

VRISSY: don’t lie to me

HARRY: …okay maybe i was thinking about it

HARRY: anyways hang tight im gonna find you and then help is on the way

HARRY: troll resistance army help




VRISSY: f8ck.

HARRY: just stay where you are, i’m coming

You get to the janitorial closet and do the ‘haircut and a close shave, two bits’ knock your dad always does. Vrissy peeks the door open and you cram inside, working to calm down your girlfriend. Its more than a little pale but fuck it, you’re a human and its an emergency, you can blur the lines a little. Tavros is mentally somewhere else, although he seems functional, which is both relieving and terrifying at the same time. Vriska is out of it. Just laughing to herself like she’s crossfaded, and very uneasy on her feet. From what you’ve heard, probably a pretty bad concussion, and the adrenaline is wearing off, leaving her like… this. Okay, Harry Anderson, this is maybe the one useful thing for all that toxic masculinity your dad carries around. You’re the man in charge, take command and figure a way out of here.

Just as you start to get your thoughts in order, a gray hand rips open the closet door, and a tall shadow darkens the small space. Your back is to him, but the other three’s eyes widen in shock. Vriska’s one uncovered eye, despite her faux-inebriated state, has the glimmer of recognition in it.

VRISKA: 8ig 8oss is that you????????

image by @artiestroke