War Makes Beasts of us All
by bakedpotatocat

CHAPTER NINE: ACQUISITION

==> Be Vriska Serket.

It’s kind of nice in the base. Reminds you of the meteor, but underground, instead of deep in the reaches of the furthest ring. And there are tons of people here, more in one place than you’ve ever seen; the base is teeming with activity: labs and training grounds and medical stations and habitation blocks and nutrition zones and data centers and server rooms and garages. It’s like every time they needed more space, they just hollowed out another set of caverns. There’s a constant flow of people, most of them adult trolls, through the narrow, twisting halls. That kind of freaks you out a little, even though they look more like you than Karkat. There are some teenagers you see, but they all seem busy, and the wrigglers are constantly underfoot, running messages and information and packages throughout the base. It feels like a much busier, louder, cramped, safer version of the meteor.

Except Kanaya, Karkat, and Rose are old, and Dave and the Mayor are gone, and Gamzee’s dead, and Terezi’s missing.

So maybe it’s not much like the meteor at all.

Vrissy has been here a couple times, apparently, though she’s just as confused about where it is geographically as you are. Tavros seems overwhelmed, and you are too. The three of you got assigned rooms near each other (it’s a closet, really, by most measures, but considering you don’t have much stuff to lug around, its fine) in one of the far-off halls of habitation blocks. Karkat got pulled away almost as soon as you all got here, and Swifer only decided to play lusus long enough to get you settled in the room and pointed in the direction of the mess hall. You wanted to sleep, but she poked you in your grumbling belly and told you to quote ‘go fuckin fill up ‘fore you pass out standin up’. You like her.

You and Tavros had to take a few breaks on the way there because of information overload, but thankfully there are plenty of secluded crannies to duck into to catch a breath. Vrissy quirked an eyebrow in a very Lalondian way the first time you joined him but didn’t seem to care. She obviously had experience.

You’re halfway through dissing Vrissy about her taste in guys (and why girls are so much better) when a small redblood wriggler pokes his head in.

VRISSY: look, I get it, I have Two Les8ian Moms, I understand when people say girls are just 8etter, and they are, but –

TAVROS: oof,

VRISSY: cmon, Tavros, I’m not gonna dump you just cause Vriska here thinks I have Compulsory Heterosexuality.

VRISKA: Wait, there’s a word for that?

VRISSY: Yeah, mom said you and Terezi 8oth had a 8ad case of comphet.

VRISKA: Huh.

VRISKA: May8e I oughta talk to her a8out that.

VRISKA: Which one is Mom again?

VRISSY: Rose.

VRISKA: Right, right.

BHARIT: p-pardon me

BHARIT: a-are you Vriska Serket?

BHARIT: y-you are a young blueblood with an eyepatch

VRISKA: Yeah, that’s me.

BHARIT: m-message from big boss for you
He hands you a folded piece of paper and runs off. Man, that kid can abscond with the best of em. Real top-tier lad scamper action, perfect form, all motion, ducking between people’s legs with grace. You open the letter.
KARKAT: COME UP TO BRIEFING ROOM A – GET DIRECTIONS FROM ANYONE, PRETTY MUCH – AS SOON AS YOU GET A CHANCE. THERE’S SOMETHING I WANT YOU TO SEE. BRING VRISSY AND TAVROS WITH YOU.
There’s a message in glittery fuschia ink scrawled at the bottom.
MEENAH: glad to see ya aint got krilled by english kiddo
After you finish eating (and Vrissy finishes explaining comphet to you) the three of you begin the long, confusing trek to Briefing Room A. The elevators here are… suspect, to say the least, more like something out of a mineshaft, operated by a crank handle and counterweights. That said, you don’t feel like taking all the stairs, so you grin and bear it. It’s tight with just the three of you in there, and when someone else looks like they’re about to get on, your heart starts pounding. So you whip out your wings and pull rank. They look stunned, but politely decide to wait for the next.

Ten minutes of confused wandering and one extra set of stairs later, you throw open the double doors into the briefing room. Karkat is talking to some random oliveblood, discussing paperwork or battle plans or something, and waves them off after he sees the three of you.
KARKAT: I HOPE YOU’RE SETTLING IN ALL RIGHT.

KARKAT: THE THREE OF YOU WILL BE STAYING HERE FOR THE NEAR FUTURE, AT MINIMUM.

VRISSY: Its a8out the same as I remem8er, just… 8usier.

KARKAT: WAR’S HEATING UP, BUT WE HAVEN’T GONE ON THE OFFENSIVE YET. THIS IS ABOUT AS FULL AS THE BASE IS GONNA GET, UNLESS WE GET A BUNCH OF NEW RECRUITS FROM THE BROADCAST.
That catches your attention. You hadn’t heard him mention anything about a broadcast, and Vrissy and Tavros look similarly confused.
KARKAT: I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT LATER.

KARKAT: WHAT I CALLED YOU UP HERE FOR IS TO DISCUSS THE MATTER OF THE CLOWN.
You slip into a mild state of panic, because last you knew, Karkat had the body.
KARKAT: DON’T WORRY, HE’S STILL DEAD.

KARKAT: CREMATED, TOO.

KARKAT: I WANTED TO ASK, BECAUSE I FIGURED THE THREE OF YOU WOULD SOME INPUT ON WHAT TO DO WITH THE ASHES.
Tavros speaks before you can even quite process the question.
TAVROS: fuck em.

TAVROS: throw them in the wind, or the ocean, for all i care.

TAVROS: just make sure he’s gone.

VRISSY: What he said.

VRISKA: Yeah.

KARKAT: I’LL HAVE IT TAKEN CARE OF.

KARKAT: GO GET SOME REST. I HAVE WORK TO DO. I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE BROADCAST IF IT BECOMES RELEVANT.
You’re much too tired to argue with him. You spend most of the next two days huddled up with Vrissy and Tavros, watching Earth C movies, because Karkat won’t let you do anything important until you’re more healed. Your eye isn’t coming back, although it’s scabbed over in a very gross way. Both that and the rest of your more minor cuts and bruises are treated by a proper doctor and you’re put on rest duty. Life in the game was just like this. Spikes of activity interspersed between long periods of nothing. You do spend some time people-watching from a vantage point Meenah showed you in one of the main caverns, a nice perch three stories up, where you can see the streams of fighters and spies and technicians from a safe distance. Its solitary, and a good spot to think, considering the only people that can access it are those that can fly. With this many people, you can build up your pool of luck without causing anyone more trouble than a stubbed toe.

Kanaya comes by at one point to fuss over Vrissy, and the two of you talk about the caverns and the cause and the wedding and not much of actual import. She doesn’t look a day over 12. Rose is one lucky motherfucker, but you’re long over whatever romantic feelings were there. You do ask her about what it’s like being moirails with Karkat, but she dodges the question.

Hmm.

On the third day, Karkat sends a message again, but this time, he only tells you to come up.

When you find him near the entrance to the base, he and Meenah are sitting outside an interrogation room where two purplebloods wait. Meenah waves, grinning a shark-tooth smile. You feel kinda weird around her, given that an alternate version of you dated her and then you were instrumental in the breakup. Kind of a weird, self-destructive (in the most literal sense) history there. Now that you’ve met a cool genetic descendent version of yourself, it’s a lot harder to hate that other version of you for being weak. All Vriskas are good, you think, or at least that’s what you’re going to keep telling yourself.
KARKAT: EXCELLENT. CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

VRISKA: Sure.
He tosses you a six-shot revolver with an old, decorated wooden handle. You look in the chambers, where there’s one bullet, and five empty spots.
KARKAT: MANIPULATE THE LUCK ON THIS SO THAT IT ALWAYS SPINS TO AN EMPTY CHAMBER.

VRISKA: Okayyyyyyyy…
You do it, although you really aren’t sure where this is going. It’s a little more abstract test of your godtier powers than usual, but not exhausting. It’s nice to confirm that you’re mostly recovered from the concussion, now, it’s been almost a week and you’re close to regular.
KARKAT: THANKS.
Meenah grins at you again, much less talkative than you were used to all those years ago.
MEENAH: check dis shit out
You watch through the one-way glass as Karkat starts talking to the two purplebloods. They look off balance – not quite scared, but certainly not comfortable. He pulls out the revolver from behind his back, and one of them flinches.
KARKAT: NORMALLY, UPON INTRODUCTION TO THE REVOLUTION, I’D JUST ASK YOU TO SWEAR AN OATH, AND THEN I’D SHOW YOU TO A NICE, WARM BED.

KARKAT: BUT AS HAPPY AS I AM TO SEE THAT YOU TWO RENOUNCED THE CHURCH, I NEED A LITTLE PROOF YOU AREN’T JUST HERE TO SOW CHAOS, OR SPY ON US.

KARKAT: SO I’VE PUT TOGETHER A LITTLE TEST.

KARKAT: IT’S AN ADAPTATION OF AN OLD EARTH GAME CALLED RUSSIAN ROULETTE.

KARKAT: A VERY HUMAN BRAND OF INSANE DANGER TO PROVE THAT YOU AREN’T A COWARD.

KARKAT: SIX CHAMBERS, ONE BULLET. YOU SPIN, POINT IT AT YOURSELF, AND PULL THE TRIGGER.

KARKAT: LIVE A MAN, OR DIE.

KARKAT: YOU TWO ARE PAST THE POINT OF NO RETURN, NOW.

KARKAT: PROVE TO ME YOU’RE WILLING TO FORSAKE YOUR OLD BONDS TO FORGE NEW ONES.
He spins the chamber, and hands it to the purpleblood on his left.
KARKAT: WHAT’S YOUR NAME?

SAIRQE: Sairqe, sir;

KARKAT: NICE TO MEET YOU, SAIRQE.

KARKAT: WHAT’S YOUR FRIENDS NAME?

SAIRQE: His name is Laeche;

KARKAT: ARE YOU TWO CLOSE?
The purpleblood hesitates a bit.
SAIRQE: Yes;

SAIRQE: We’ve been through a lot together;

KARKAT: SHOOT HIM. ONE IN SIX CHANCE ITS FATAL.
The other troll starts to stand up from the chair but Karkat puts a hand on his hip, where he keeps his own pistol holstered.
KARKAT: NOT A WORD, OR ONE MOVEMENT. YOU’VE BOTH COME FROM A FASCIST CULT. I WOULDN’T LOSE ANY SLEEP OVER SHOOTING YOU BOTH DEAD.

VRISKA: H8ly shit.

MEENAH: its fuckin dope isnt it
Sairqe swallows. He pulls at his shirt collar like he’s trying to get some air, trying to work up the nerve to make a choice.
KARKAT: I’M A BUSY MAN. CLOCK’S TICKING.
Sairqe levels the gun at Laeche and pulls the trigger.

The gun clicks instead of firing, and everyone except Karkat breathes an audible sigh of relief.

You get why he asked you to rig it.

He takes the gun from the slightly-shaking troll and spins the chamber, projecting a complete air of complete inflappability. You’re too shocked by the performance to even decide how you feel about it.
KARKAT: SAME DEAL. ONE IN SIX.

KARKAT: ALTHOUGH YOUR FRIEND HERE HAD THE HARDER CHOICE.

KARKAT: IT’S NOT A PERFECT SYSTEM, I’LL ADMIT, BUT GOOD ENOUGH ON SHORT NOTICE.
He hands the gun to Laeche.
LAECHE: thIS iS fucKING madNESS

KARKAT: DO IT OR DON’T.
Laeche points the gun, his hands shaking slightly, at the other purpleblood, who simply hangs his head low. Then, deciding in an instant, he swivels to aim at Karkat, pulls the trigger – the gun, once again, just clicks – and upon realizing that, sprints past Karkat towards the door. Karkat doesn’t even try to stop him as the purpleblood throws open the door and sprints into the hall. He gets about ten feet away from you before Meenah lazily spears him through the back with her trident, pinning him to the wall.

Karkat walks out and sighs.
KARKAT: NOT HOW I WANTED THAT TO GO, BUT ONE OUT OF TWO ISN’T BAD, I SUPPOSE.
You gawk at him, struggling to find words.

Before you can, a wiry yellowblood wearing a headset runs around the corner, just barely ducking under the trident sticking out of the wall.
AMIXIA: i’m sorry to interrupt - - -

AMIXIA: sir - - -

AMIXIA: but its top urgency - - -

AMIXIA: sollux captor sent a message asking for a pickup - - -

KARKAT: WE HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE IT’S REAL?

AMIXIA: yes sir - - -
Karkat looks a lot more surprised than you’ve seen him since crash-landing onto this planet.
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT.
He looks at Meenah, who's finished checking her long nails to make sure she didn't break one.
KARKAT: YOU CAN FINISH UP?

MEENAH: shore thing babe

KARKAT: ALRIGHT, VRISKA, LET’S SEE WHERE SOLLUX HAS BEEN.