Eri and Aranea: Professional Trolls
By vomitwater


Eridan sat in his room playing old school RuneScape. He was dead, of course, but what’s a ghost to do when he’s bored out of his think pan. He’s been dead for an indecipherable amount of time at this point and every day he logs into his account and sees his membership tick down one day at a time. Today was the day though. The last day of membership before he became a f2p noob again. But Eridan was rich as FUCK, dude! How could this sexy mofo not afford to buy another eternities worth of membership? Would you be surprised to hear he absolutely could? This was for the better, though. He figured once his premium status expired that he would go out in the world and *do* something. The ghost world. He’s still dead by the way.

Chapter 1

Eridan would not commemorate his last day, instead he just grinded out the guards in Falador for medium clue scrolls. Slouched back in his gamer chair clicking on the NPCs every 10 or so seconds. This is the life after death. Eventually his last 24 hours had passed in the blink of an eye. Not actually though since ghosts don’t blink. Eridan let out a sigh of relief and turned off his computer. He still had plenty to do in the game, he hadn’t even reached 99 magic after all, but this was for the better. This would be healthy for him! No longer would he scam new players for 5 gold just for the fun of it. No more slamming the desk when he realized he was still in a free to play world after spending 5 hours trying to get a drop exclusive to members. A whole new social life was ahead of him, and he couldn’t be more thrilled. He planted his feet on the floor and stood up from his chair when- *ding dong!*

ERIDAN: oh fuck wwhat is it noww

Chapter 2

ERIDAN: is this some sort of joke wwhat makes you think i wwould trouble myself wwith wwhatevver serket scheme you got planned

ARANEA: Eridan this is going to take less than 5 minutes.

ERIDAN: wwhy didnt you say less than 8 minutes then it wwould fit your quirk

ARANEA: I’m not going to exagger8 this task for a dum8 joke.

ERIDAN: wwell i guess if you REALLY need me for wwhatevver this is i suppose i could lend my skills

ARANEA: Eridan why.

The truly reluctant and humbled highblood follows his cerulean non-friend across the dream bubbles. From his hive, to a colorful desert, to an ocean, and finally, the inside of a skull shaped cave.

ARANEA: It seems we have made it in time.

ERIDAN: you needed me to go god damn spelunkin wwith you wwhat the actual fuck

ARANEA: If we have gone spelunking, then here is our yield!

ERIDAN: i dont knoww cavve lingo just tell me wwhat wwe are doin here

ARANEA: ::::/

ARANEA: All I need you to do is destroy this red 8ox with your magic.

ERIDAN: this piece of shit

He gently kicks the treasure chest in the middle of them.

ARANEA: Use some hope destroying magic on it or something and we can go home.

ERIDAN: wwhatevver you say lady

Eridan takes out his favorite wand, his self made 3rd age wand. Aranea gives him a glare as he takes his sweet time flaunting it around.

ARANEA: Is that seriously a wand from RuneScape?

ERIDAN: howw do you knoww

ERIDAN: do you play

ARANEA: No. I don’t w8ste my time with games like that anymore.


With a flick of the wrist and a blinding flash of white light, a lightning bolt extends from the wand. As the magic charades finish, a tiny stream of smoke rises from the box, which seems to be in perfect condition.

ERIDAN: wwait let me try again

ARANEA: That’s quite alright, thank you. You’re free to go now.

ERIDAN: that wwas lame im sorry

ARANEA: I honestly don’t know what I even expected. You’re not known for being especially helpful, to put it 8luntly.

Despite definitely not caring about helping someone who is not his friend, a wave of sadness washes over Eridan’s mind. He just can’t seem to catch a break.

ERIDAN: wwhat wwas evven the point of this not that i givve twwo shits of course

ARANEA: If you must know, I learned through the wire that another form of myself and a few of my colleagues would be coming to this place to use this treasure here.

ARANEA: Doing so would cause a lot of 8aggage that I am not too keen on dealing with at the moment.

ERIDAN: wwhy do you evven care

ARANEA: Why do I what?

ERIDAN: if a different you is already goin to be there wwhen this stupid shit happens wwhy do you havve to get invvolvved


ARANEA: I don’t really know, actually?

Chapter 3

ARANEA: I think I have 8een so set on trying to 8e of some use that I didn’t realize how callous I have become.

Aranea dangles her feet off a cliffside, with Eridan to her left. The feeling jam to end all feeling jams.

ERIDAN: i think i wwas like that

ERIDAN: the callous part i mean

ERIDAN: but yeah i havve been tryin to take it easy lately im not too good at it yknoww old habits die hard

ARANEA: At the very least you’re trying ::::)

ERIDAN: not wwrong i guess

ERIDAN: bein a ghost is hard though

ARANEA: You’re telling me. It feels wrong to sit still wasting away like this.

ERIDAN: wwe should do somethin then

ARANEA: Eridan, we were just talking about how I SHOULDN’T do anything!

ERIDAN: theres other wways you can stay relevvant probably

ARANEA: How so?

ERIDAN: i mean i havvent thought of anythin yet but you probably knoww more about paradox space than me


ERIDAN: manipulate small parts in the machine as opposed to alterin somethin as big as that treasure

ARANEA: You’re saying I should become a professional prankster?

ERIDAN: professional troll

Aranea giggles slightly.

ARANEA: We could actually start right here right now for something like that then.

ERIDAN: wwhat


A pirate ship arrives at the island in front of them. John, Aradia, Sollux, Nepeta, Feferi, Vriska, Meenah, and another Aranea walk inside the cave.

ARANEA: Now is our chance.

Aranea grabs Eridan’s hand and they exchange looks. Aranea smiles giddily while Eridan looks more like someone who was woken up from their nap and told their family is all dead. It’s not a good look on him. The two enter the cave and hover above the merry band of treasure hunters. Vriska drones on and on about Lord English and *The Treasure*. She’s sounds a lot like Aranea, actually. It’s kind of scary. As she gets more and more melodramatic, she takes her corsair jacket off and tosses it to the ground, jumping down into a pit. Her posse follows suit and leaves Aranea and Eridan alone once more. They ground themselves and surround Vriska’s coat.

ARANEA: Ok, 8last it away like you did Feferi.

ERIDAN: thats just in poor taste fuck you

Eridan once again brandishes his wand and strikes a pose. Suck a dick Harry Potter, check out this BADASS. Eridan shoots out his sick white magic and turns the blue coat into grey ash. Hardcore.

ARANEA: Now let’s out of here. Kurloz will be so confused when he shows up

ERIDAN: get owwned you shitty clowwn

ARANEA: Let’s find more stuff to mess around with. This will be gr8.

ARANEA: How do you feel a8out horse statues?

ERIDAN: wwhat kind of fuckin question is that

Chapter 4

ARANEA: This one will be tricky.

ERIDAN: wwatch howw a pro of tricky magic and stealth handles a difficult situation like this

ZAP. Another casualty of wizard fuckery. This is their sixth caper of the night.

ERIDAN: as much as i realize it doesnt matter anymore i cant help but feel kind of wwrong messin wwith royalty

ARANEA: I wouldn’t worry. No disrespect towards Meenah, 8ut she’s kind of a 8itch.

Eridan and Aranea are hidden from view behind Meenah and Vriska, the former of which is braiding the hair of the latter. Now that Eridan dissolved the bling Meenah was going to put in Vriska’s hair, it’s going to be...a minor inconvenience?

ARANEA: She’s reaching into her pocket aaaaaaaand...

MEENAH: yo tf

VRISKA: Something wrong?

MEENAH: serket i know your clamped up in here get your creepin butt over here

ARANEA: I’m n-

Aranea quickly covers her mouth. So much for sneaky beaky like. She just can’t keep her mouth closed.

VRISKA: Aranea is here?

MEENAH: she snatched my dam piercings i was gonna give you

MEENAH: this is exactly the stupid small time joke shit she would pull

ERIDAN: screww you shes epic

VRISKA: Eridan what the fuck are you doing with her?

ARANEA: Good8ye!!!!!!!!

Aranea quickly grabs Eridan by the arm and takes off, flying into the night. The two of them look like majestic eagles in front of a sky that could be easily mistaken as a painting from an art museum. If the museum was for paintings drawn by toddlers who only know how to grip a crayon with a locked fist and scribble. They land in a grassy field and don’t stick the landing, tumbling around like that one really weird scene from Attack of the Clones.

ARANEA: Weeeeeeee!

ERIDAN: wwwwwoah wwwwwoah wwwwwoah

ARANEA: Heehee weeeeeeee!



They finally come to a stop, and much like that really weird scene from Attack of the Clones, Aranea lands on top of Eridan. They both smile blissfully into each other’s creepypasta-esque white eyes. Eridan’s smile quickly dissipates.

ARANEA: What’s wrong, Eridan?

ERIDAN: nothin absolutely nothin

ARANEA: Oh don’t 8e that way, something is clearly not ok.

ERIDAN: i said it wwasnt anythin didnt i dont bust my sack about it

Eridan pushes her off of him and stomps off. Aranea sits up and and sits cross legged with a perplexed look mixed with dirt on her face.

ARANEA: I’ll go out on a lim8 and say it’s me?

ERIDAN: of course it isnt you mainly because it ISNT ANYTHIN so shut your lowwblooded trap

ARANEA: That’s no way to treat a friend, Eridan. Especially one who’s old enough to be your gr8 x8 grandmother.

ERIDAN: so youre a milf noww

ARANEA: XXXXO I’m not a MILF, Eridan!!!!!!!!

ERIDAN: so then wwhat are wwe i mean you

ERIDAN: fuck

ARANEA: Well I thought we were 8ecoming something at least, 8ut it kind of seems like you don’t want anything to do with me now.

ERIDAN: im sorry its howw i greww up you knoww society wwas tough on me

Aranea gets up and hugs Eridan from behind, resting her head on his shoulder. He never realized it until now, but Aranea is a bit taller than him. He’s apprehensive at first but loosens up not long after and turns to face her.

ERIDAN: it feels a bit wwrong is all

ARANEA: It’s not 8ecause I’m a lower 8lood than you are, is it?

ERIDAN: wwell

ARANEA: Why do you even care anymore! It’s like you said to me, you need to let parts of your past go, no matter how hard you’ve stuck with it.

ERIDAN: i still feel at least some pressure to keep the hemospectrum alivve evven if there is no point

Aranea places her hands on his sides, ever so slightly closing the gap between them.

ARANEA: Then let me help you grow out of it. All you need to do is let me in...

ERIDAN: wweh

This is it. They’re practically pressed against each other. Aranea’s chest is only about an inch away from Eridan’s, and her arms have moved from his hips to his back. She can hear his heart beating and it sounds like it’s going to explode.

ERIDAN: fuck it


For once in his sorry life Eridan makes a move and presses his fish lips against Aranea’s perfect ghost makeup. Better late than never. Oh look they’re on the ground like Anakin and Padme again, wonderful.

ERIDAN: i used to kill angels but i havve made the decision i wwont kill anymore the only angel i need is you

ARANEA: You have such a way with words.

There you have it. An unlikely couple is now having a sloppy troll makeout session in some stupid fucking field in the middle of nowhere while Lord English is eating entire universes. This is what you want isn’t it you sick fucks? Oh look Aranea’s leggings are getting torn too. What kind of monster are you to even allow something like this. She’s not a slut you know. Actually I retract that, I’m sorry, that was my bad. Just because two unlikely lovers are relieving each other does not make either of them “sluts”. Ok I can see Aranea’s cleavage now this is getting fucked up.